EatEATeat

Something I realised recently...



When I was a little kid, I would go to birthday parties and eat so much that when I went home I would be sick; my parents have memories of being astonished at how much food I could eat in one sitting, and did not consider it a 'normal' amount for a child to eat. I've realised recently that I still do this today, except more on my own than at parties, and carefully locked away in my bedroom where no-one will see me. I am either always very nervous about eating in front of people, or do not care (which is usually with a boyfriend; someone I'm very comfortable with, and who is eating junk food themselves - I will never eat junk food in the company of others if they are not eating it themselves).

For me, being 'full' and being 'not hungry' are two different things: during a binge, I eat until I'm disgustingly full and in pain as a result, wait about fifteen minutes for the pain to lesson somewhat, then eat more. I secretly hope I'll be sick because of it so I can get the calories out, but I have attempted purging before but was too afraid to go through with it, knowing how bad it would be for me, and how emotionally damaging. 

I calculated the calories of my most recent binge - something I've been too self-conscious to do before. In two binge 'sittings' I consumed around 4000 calories. I am 166cm tall female; my BMR is about 1400 calories. 

I don't want to do this any more. I want to eat like a 'normal' person. I'm either restricting calories or binging, and I don't know why I can't just live happily and healthily without having to keep so much control over my diet. 

I've always identified with anorexic-type body-image problems: I never realised until last night that this was something I need to confront as well.  


If anyone is reading, please comment.  I would really appreciate some help. : S