Deep-fried pickles

REAL onion rings!!

Wasabi ice-cream!

Day 1 (again!!) >:(

Calories for NEW 'day one', which shall not be ruined by stupid emotions:

Breakfast/Smoothie (banana, soy milk, spirulina, protein powder ((soy)): 300cals
Morning tea: Gloria Jeans caramel coffee - 35 cals
Lunch: Prota bar - 119cals
Afternoon tea: 1 cub shredded savoy cabbage, miso soup - 51 cals
Dinner/smoothie (Mixed berries, soy milk, spirulina, protein powder ((soy - always soy)): 280

BURNT
Run: 331 cals
weights/weightless training: 88
walk: 128 cals
BURNT TOTAL: 547

TOTAL: 785
TOTAL - BURNT: 238

Carbs: 87.8g
Fat: 13.8g
Protein: 78g
Fibre: 15.2g


***
I blurted everything to one of my friend last night via txt, because I couldn't sleep.  I'm meant to be going out with her tonight to celebrate her birthday, but I can't - I'm too embarrassed and ashamed; I just want to pretend I said nothing, and nothing is wrong.

A New Day

A new day...I'm planning on:

work-out smoothie (soy milk, banana, mixed frozen berries, protein powder): 351 cals
Morning snack: coffee, half and apple with cinnamon - 77 cals
Lunch: Miso soup, prota bar - 155
Afternoon snack: half an apple with cinnamon - 34 cals
Dinner: Tomato soup - 90 cals
After dinner: soy milk (because calcium is important!) - 118 cals

Exercise:
40 min run, 9km/ph
50 min walk

CALS BURNT: 577
TOTAL: 825 cals
TOTAL - BURNT: 248

Carbs: 114.9g
Fat: 15.5g
Protein: 61.5g
Fibre: 19.3g


However, if I end up going out for coffee with my girl friend, I'll have to re-organise...hopefully it won't make a large change.

Why, Hello, Ana...

I just broke up with my boyfriend.

But it's OK: Ana will make it better.

Mary-Kate Challenge - from http://aguidetoperfection.weebly.com/diets.html

The Mary-Kate Challenge

15 Points:
*no food all day*burning more than 300 calories*eight or more cups of H2O
10 Points:*300 or less calories*burning 200-300 calories*6 or 7 cups of water*commenting on five other sites
7 Points:*300-500 calories*burning 150-200 calories*4 or 5 cups of water*commenting on three sites
2 Points:
*purging on a binge

1 Point:
*resisting food*every hour of sleep*every cup of green tea*diet pills

-5 Points:
*binging
Calorie Intake:Fasting 8 Points
001-100 7 Points
201-300 6 Points
301-400 5 Points401-500 4 Points500+ 1 Point Sleep (in hours)
10-12 8 Points
08-10 6 Points
06-08 4 Points
04-06 2 Points
00-03 1 Point
Exercise (in minutes)60+ 8 Points
45-60 6 Points
30-45 4 Points
15-30 2 Points
05-15 1 Point
none -2 Points
Water (per 0,5L)
5+ 8 Points
5 6 Points
4 5 Points
3 3 Points
2 2 Points
1 1 Point
Sit-Ups 
120+ 8 Points
100-120 7 Points
080-100 6 Points
060-080 5 Points
040-060 4 Points
020-040 2 Points
000-020 1 Points

Terrible Person

I am a terrible person.

I need to tell the truth.  What the hell am I doing?

Fuck this, I just want to sleep.

Please don't let me wake up.

Something I've noticed...

If I plan what I eat, and for whatever reason I am unable to eat what I've planned, then it triggers my 'you have FAILED!!' voice, and I end up binging.  It's like my control gained from planning has been ruined, and I stress-out, not knowing how to cope with the change.

I was planning to buy chips and chocolate today, so worked my daily calories around this - and then my local grocery shop is closed because of the public holiday (I try not to keep binge-food in the house: my rule is if I really must have these foods, and I have to walk 40 minutes to get them ((20 minutes to the shop, then another 20 minutes back)).  So now I've eaten a HUGE buckwheat pancake with yoghurt and berries, milo, nutella, peanut butter, plus a 'normal' sized lunch and breakfast.

This sucks.

New Rules

...For a new game!

I need to get fit healthily.
I need to stop binging.
I need to stop thinking that starving is the only way to be happy...

1) No more caloric intake than BMR - 1400 cals. (Will consider increasing to 1500, depending on if this is adequate for my exercise program)
2) Be a better vegan!!  Must increase my protein, calcium, and fibre levels, while also decreasing carb and sodium.
3) Be more forgiving of myself - embrace 'treats'/binge/junk food in MODERATION.
4) Continue to look for more effective exercises.

Let's see how this goes, shall we?

PLAN FOR THIS WEEK:

Wed: 2.4km run, 20 minutes on bike
Thurs: weights session
Friday: sprints
Saturday: weights & walk
Sunday: RWR (real world run) OR walk
Mon: Rest

Food

This is mine - maybe that's why I do it?

I'm currently binging on toast with olive oil and garlic; I've had a heap of other crap, but I'd rather just forget about it.  I'm planning to burn off the calories in an epic gym session, fingers crossed...

UGH.  This is not good.

I think this binge is also because I had a fight with my mum: I keep replying all the narky little comments she's made - over and over and over - in my head.  I'm not sure how I'm going to fix this.  I've said my part - I'm not apologising when I don't mean it.  She needs to talk to me, and accept that I'm an adult with adult feelings.

Wednesdays!

Wednesday has become binge day - maybe if I have one calorie-free day a week to look forward to, the rest of the week will be easier?

Yuck - i'm so used to eating healthy vegan food.  All this junk food really does make you sleepy - I ever really believed that when I ate it more often; I was probably just used to it.

Binge:
Normal breakfast - mixed berries, cinnamon, soy milk, and cheerios.
1 350g packet potato poms
1 packet light Digestive biscuits
1 packet of LEDA chocolate rum balls (vegan, 8 pack)

I would love some Japanese food for dinner...mmmmm...

63.75

WOO!  Lost more weight.  Yesterday's post-binge work-out must have been a success!!

So i'm back up to 1200 calories, and I've lost .55kgs in 8 days - quite healthy, I believe.

HOORAY.

Hoping to get down to 63.00...maybe by the end of this week?  Or Sunday?  Hmm.  I'll be very disappointed if I don't reach my GW1 by the date I'm hoping for, so I don't want to aim to early...and if I DO get there by Friday, then Sunday will be less, and that will just be an added bonus....

Right.  So next weigh-in = Sunday morning.

Just have to convince myself not to have a sneaky weigh-in by then.

1822

I had a binge-dinner of about 800 calories on top of my already 1000 calorie day, bringing me up to 1822 calories.

I freaked out, so I went in the gym (again), and brought my caloric intake total down to 691.

So, in total, I've burn 1131 calories today.

Time for bed, methinks.

Milo Arguments

I got into an argument with my boyfriend this afternoon, and out spewed forth an ugly flood of self-doubt, and challenged morals.

I am a vegan, and while talking to the boy about my new, somewhat more calorie-healthy diet plan, he 'suggested' I drink milo.

Milo has milk in it; I stated this.

He replied that he knew.

So eventually he revealed that he believed I should include dairy products into my diet, even though he KNOWS  I am very much against the dairy industry.

This was my response (edited for flow):

"It's not fair - i can't go around telling people why i'm a vegan, and why they should not eat meat, because it comes across as obnoxious and pushy - but if someone says my values are ridiculous and unhealthy, that's apparently acceptable.

Not fucking fair.

You thought to tell me I should eat something, knowing that that food conflicts with my values.

I am a passionate person - and i'm not saying you aren't - but again, I fight for what I believe in, and I will fight for you If I ever need to; I'm a little mad, a little extremist, but this stuff is important to me, and you should know this.

so I'm sorry for getting angry and arguing with you, but I don't like it when people try to change me - and I don't think many people like being changed, too."

So overall, I may have overreacted - but I describe myself as a poet: I am, as written above, a very passionate individual, and may sometimes come across as a crazy person; but these are the things which define me, and do more good than damage to the people and environment around me (in my opinion).  

I DO need to learn to respect myself.

I DO need to fight for what I believe in.

Luckily for me, it's all fixed now: no lasting problems with the boyfriend.  He is very understanding and respectful, and I know he didn't meant any harm in what he had to say.  He's forgiven - mostly because I like him a lot. ; )

EatEATeat

Something I realised recently...



When I was a little kid, I would go to birthday parties and eat so much that when I went home I would be sick; my parents have memories of being astonished at how much food I could eat in one sitting, and did not consider it a 'normal' amount for a child to eat. I've realised recently that I still do this today, except more on my own than at parties, and carefully locked away in my bedroom where no-one will see me. I am either always very nervous about eating in front of people, or do not care (which is usually with a boyfriend; someone I'm very comfortable with, and who is eating junk food themselves - I will never eat junk food in the company of others if they are not eating it themselves).

For me, being 'full' and being 'not hungry' are two different things: during a binge, I eat until I'm disgustingly full and in pain as a result, wait about fifteen minutes for the pain to lesson somewhat, then eat more. I secretly hope I'll be sick because of it so I can get the calories out, but I have attempted purging before but was too afraid to go through with it, knowing how bad it would be for me, and how emotionally damaging. 

I calculated the calories of my most recent binge - something I've been too self-conscious to do before. In two binge 'sittings' I consumed around 4000 calories. I am 166cm tall female; my BMR is about 1400 calories. 

I don't want to do this any more. I want to eat like a 'normal' person. I'm either restricting calories or binging, and I don't know why I can't just live happily and healthily without having to keep so much control over my diet. 

I've always identified with anorexic-type body-image problems: I never realised until last night that this was something I need to confront as well.  


If anyone is reading, please comment.  I would really appreciate some help. : S

Epiphany.

While out walking the dog, I had a realisation.

I mentioned previously that my life goals conflict with how I want to look, and as I power-walked through my suburb, I reflected upon the things that are important for me, and how I want my future to turn out.

I want to be thin, but there are other things I want to do too.

Now, I realise I only started this blog today (mainly to get out of my head), however, my disordered eating has been with me for many, many years - expect a post on this in future.

I still need the control of calorie counting, and I'm still deathly afraid of gaining weight, so I've come up with a new plan which hopefully will allow me to maintain and develop my health and fitness, but will also get me to my goal weight:

Running days: 1200 - 1100 cals
Swimming days: 1000 - 900 cals
weights/rest days: 800 cals

4.12pm of day 3

Dammit!!  I'm so hungry, and I can't change my meal plan because I've only 60 calories left!

UGH!!

I'm so hungry - my mouth is full of saliva (gross), my stomach begging me to eat, and my vision is going all fuzzy like it normally does when I'm really hungry.  I want to give in, but I have to keep going.  Every few minutes I think, 'go on, just give in...', and then a few more minutes pass and resolve returns, and I remind myself that if I fail, I will hate myself.

I have to succeed; I have to win this.

I just want to be little.

CURRENT GOALS

So my current dieting goals are:

CW: 63.95kgs
GW1: 63kgs
RGW (realistic GW): 60kgs
URGW (un-realistic): 55kgs (BMI 20)

Calorie intake (planned and so far):

31 Mar T: 1000 - Success!
01 Apr F: 900 - Success!
02 Apr S: 800 - Success!
03 Apr S: 700
04 Apr M: 600
05 Apr T: 500
06 Apr W: 400
07 Apr T: 300
08 Apr F: 200
09 Apr S: 100


Depending on my weight after 100 calories, I will either go up to 1200 or 1500 intake.  In the first four days of calorie restricting and my normal amount of exercise (which is probably more than some people would consider 'normal) I have lost .4kgs.  


Am very excited after weighing myself this morning!  I can do this.  


I just want to succeed.

INTRODUCTIONS

My values conflict with my eating habits - I want to be thin and in control, but I also want to be fit and healthy: I can't see a way to combine the two, as in my head, they are extremely opposite. 

Currently I feel in control of my disordered eating; I have managed to (mostly) disregard what I see in the mirror, and what I feel beneath my fingertips. The voice to starve is quiet, but I am still going to push myself in what I know to be an unhealthy diet-direction, in order to lose a small amount of weight.







I just want to see if I can do it.

I just want to see if I can succeed.

I just want someone to be proud of me.

I want to look like the little girl I feel like inside - just to see her once, and then to let her grow.






***PULL THE TRIGGER, TASTE THE GUN***



Ana calls, Ana creeps;
Into ear, seduction seeps:
"Count the bones - 1, 2, 3 -
You wish you were as thin as me."
"Thin as me."
"Thin as me."
"You wish you were as thin as me."


Pull the trigger, taste the gun;
Games with Ana are lots of fun:
"Count the hours - 1, 2, 3 -
Count with Ana, starve with me."
"Starve with me."
"Starve with me."
"Count with Ana, starve with me."




Love the empty, guilt the full;
Ana's love makes you beautiul. 
"Count the calories - 1, 2, 3 -
Thin as paper, float away with me."
"Away with me."
"Away with me."
"Thin as paper, float away with me."