AARGH!!

I've deliberately been avoiding my calorie counting program, whyeat, and this blog in an attempt to have a more healthy relationship with food.  I've had three days of 'normal' eating - and have subsequently been avoiding mirrors.

AARGH!

And then...I went out for lunch with a mate, and missed out of the chocolate cake I had planned to consume...and because of this small 'failure', I went on a two day binge.

Not as bad as my previous ones, but I still feel awful, after having felt so proud of the past three days.

And now I'm wondering what i'm going to do.  I need to call the nutritionist my mum referred me to.

Ugh, I want to starve.  Where did my motivation go??

Super-soup!

I just made this soup, and realised it is amazingly low cal and really tasty!

(Makes two serves)

1 egg white
1 serve tofu (silken firm - TLY Joyce brand)
1 cup cabbage
1 small onion
1 clove garlic
1 medium carrot
Handful baby spinach leaves
1 vegetable stock cube (I used swiss nature for 35 cals)
750ml water

Total cals: 187
Cals per serve: 93.5

(for one serve)
Carbs: 7.4g
Fat: 2.9g
Protein: 7.3g
Fibre: 4.7g

METHOD:
Bring water to boil, add chopped onion and garlic until cooked through.
Add carrots until blanched.
Add stock.
add cabbage, tofu, and spinach until 'limp'/cooked.
Turn off heat, 'drip' in egg (so it doesn't form into one big eggy-clump).
Serve once egg is cooked - NOM.

WARNING - this brand of stock is really high in salt; one cube exceeds recommended intake of sodium.

Musings 2

I think I understand what I was trying to say last night.

I'm allowed to not be perfect.  I'm allowed to have faults.  I shouldn't have to hide to protect the good things people think of me.

Musings

I think I like my ED because it's something real.  It's not me just wanting to be 'special' or different...My self-esteem is so low that I didn't think I was even worthy of fitting into an ED community, or that I was 'bad enough' to be considered to have a problem.

Because if I'm 'bad enough', then I need attention - and if I need attention, then I am a hindrance, and I'll get in the way.

It's funny: I want to be noticed, but at the same time, I make an effort to hide and be forgotten in the crowd.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH TO HAVE AN EATING DISORDER.  It's a disgusting, idiotic thing to say, but it means much more than just those 9 words.

I have a problem; I'm allowed to have a problem.  I don't have to think I'm a wannarexic, and hate myself for it - hate myself for being a bother; for not being 'good enough'.

This is so perverse - if anyone is reading, please try not to take this the wrong way (I would, if I was reading this).  I just don't have the words to explain how I feel right now.

Confession.

I secretly want to try ABC, just to see if I can do it.

I know it's bad for me - I know it's a horrible thing to support.

I probably can't do it, anyway.

That was weird...

Internet wouldn't let me access my blog for a couple of days - something about cookies...but none of my settings had been changed?  Oh well, works now! : P

NEW FUN!  Burning 1000 cals a day (feeling jaded and cynical of late - bulimia is much easier than starving)

Trying to find a list of how to burn 1000 cals.

90 minutes cycling (sationary) - 1000 cals (from whyeat.com - breaking this up inter smaller time-blocks)
3 hours treadmill, 6km/ph (this was horrible - would be better if I had a TV in my gym)

***

EATINGS: (having three days to not worry about nutrition, as am going away for two weeks and will be unable to weigh myself...so may as well lose some weight to lessen the damage the next two weeks will cause)

Breakfast: porridge, mixed spice - 112
Snack: coffee, Prota bar - 201
Lunch: Heinz Potato & Spinach soup - 235
Snack: apple & cinnamon - 76
Dinner: Miso, cabbage - 51

(might add some more food for dinner/after dinner)

TOTAL: 676
BURNT: 877
TOTAL - BURNT: -201

Carbs: 99.7
Fat: 18.3
Protein: 27.5 (MOAR!!)
Fibre: 19.3

Day 3

Forgot day 2 - was about1200 - 1500 cals (as planned).

DAY THREE: Liquids
Breakfast: Coffee (with milk)
Morning tea: Harvey Fresh apple, carrot, and ginger juice
Lunch: Hot Chocolate
Afternoon tea: HF apple, carrot, and ginger juice.
Dinner: Protein shake

Exercise:
40 minute walk
Weights/push-ups and sit-ups

BURNT: 238
TOTAL: 698
TOTAL - BURNT: 461

Carbs: 101g (would like less of this)
Fat: 10.1g
Protein: 45.5 g
Fibre: 9g (would like more of this)

In theory, I have two 'nutritional days' where I compensate for one fasting/liquid fasting days.

***

BMI UPDATE!!!!!

Happy!!!  First weigh-in at 62.9kgs - my last recorded weigh-in was 5 Apr 11 with 63.9 - am stoked. BMI has lowered to 22.8!